This 'n' That

I'm waiting to see most of my doctors at the beginning of the month and my stomach doctor in the middle of the month if I have enough money left.  I have to see the heart doctor first though to see if he will give me approval to have surgery to remove the precancerous tumour since it's too large to remove with a scope.  I don't know if the heart doctor will want to replace my faulty pacemaker first or not.  If they keep jacking around though, I'll end up with full blown stomach cancer.  It moves very rapidly.



Since I'm not going to have chemo, I figure I may last a little longer than the six months my late wife did.  I don't know.  I could be wrong.  I certainly know that I'm not going to have multiple surgeries.  They'll get one shot to remove it and if they don't get it, too bad.



I'm not looking forward to missing a huge hunk of my stomach so I have put on some extra pounds for the slow descent into skeletonhood.  That may help me hold off an extra month or two.  Diane was quite a bit overweight for her size when she got it though and she looked like a skeleton in about five months and was dead the sixth.



My computer is still out and my account is still about $260 overdrawn.  My mother keeps clicking on ads for medical equipment to "help me."  All she's doing is helping me into poverty for the remainder of my life.  It's a good thing it's going to be short.  She already took every bit of my extra money, charged to my account since her name is on it, to buy burial insurance.  If BP doesn't want to pay my life insurance then let the State bury me.  All I'[ll be is an empty husk.  My body will no longer be consuming food to create energy and all of my thoughts will cease, so who CARES what they do with my body.  Hell, they can just throw it in the trash can and roll it out to the street for all I care.  I can't even afford to buy all of my medications now that she bought the extra policy.  I guess she wants the BP money to go to my son.  It's not much, but it's enough to bury me. I think it's about $28,000. Why should I have to spend $150 a month on burial insurance when I already have an insurance policy I worked for for 15 years? My body is going to be nothing but an empty husk. I will have quit consuming food and my body will have stopped creating energy. My thought processes will have stopped. Hell, throw me in the trash can and wheel me out front or bury me in the back yard if you have to. I don't care. Quit depriving the worms of their food. Let my empty body decompose into oil and natural gas that people thousands of years into the future can fight over if mankind hasn't destroyed itself by then. I don't really care anymore. Since I have no Windows operating system I can't write music and it's extremely difficult to write on this laptop because of the damn mouse pad that they put right where you set your wrists. One slip an it deletes half a paragraph or more as just happened as I was typing this paragraph. I HATE having to retype.



I decided to give up on writing my life story since I can't afford to get my computer fixed. I'm sure the hard drive is fine but I don't know if it would work in a computer of another type or another speed and still retain the book and the music that I was working on. This is the FOURTH time I've tried to write a book and lost it because of computer failure. I give up. I give up on life, on love, on everything. May death come to me quickly!



Cal