Update On My Health

Update on my health: I haven't had any deep contractions of my heart today (yet) but it's still not beating like it should. Walking is difficult so I'm back in bed. I guess I'm just going to have bed rest until my heart decides what it's going to do.


 I'm not fretting about Lucy because if someone really loves you with all of their heart and soul and is afraid of losing you they are going to desire to be with you, not say that they don't want to have a relationship. Those are two opposing statements. Actions speak louder than words so she showed me which one she really meant. As good as it felt to hear someone say that they lobed me with all their heart and soul, without actions to back it up, it's meaningless.


 So, now all that's left is waiting to see if my blood flow slowed down so much that it's going to kill me. The capillaries to the heart that supply it with blood are tiny, plug easily, and most often can't be unplugged without some kind of miracle. Lucy was my miracle for awhile and some of them did miraculously unplug but now I guess they're plugging again. I can feel it because when the heart starts losing oxygen it starts dying and is painful. I evidently have a lot of sensitive nerves in my heart because the doctor says that most people can't feel it.


 Well, my heart just started contracting again. I hoped that I would be past this and I might have a better chance. I guess it's still a waiting game. I WOULD have to be one of the few men who is susceptible to Broken Heart Syndrome.

ARRRRrrrrgh!

I am at my wit's end today.  Most of you who are on faceboook know about the maddening weekend I had with the electricity getting cut off on the coldest day of the year so far, my mom losing $1200 of the money I was trying to save for an important purpose, and my sister being at Tomball Regional Medical Center during the alleged hostage situation with her father-in-law on the very floor where the situation was taking place.  Today, I had further maddening circumstances.

I got up to make coffee today and I don't even want to say what I found under the coffee pot but I will say that it was about a 1/8" layer of black, dead, decaying, compressed insect bodies that took a scouring pad to remove.  I had a talk with my mom about kitchen cleanliness... which probably did little good... and had to lay down because the counters are so low in this place that it's very hard on my back to work on the countertops.  This place was built for a short person.  She further agitated me by trying to say that Diane and I didn't keep our house clean which was CRAP.  SHE didn't keep HER house clean.  WE DID.  Nothing pisses me off more than lying.

The one bright spot in my day today was when a special someone whom I admire talked to me and calmed me down with her sweet, gentle way of texting.  It's almost as nice as hearing her voice live on private video chat.  Well, that was going well until I mentioned something about some wedding plans that SHE had brought up.  Suddenly I'm the bad guy again.  WTF???  I remember another woman who did me that way.  Most of you remember Jill.  Now, this woman is generally much more stable than Jill but this kind of craziness is starting to make me wonder.  I am NOT going to spend time on something again where I'm the only one putting any effort into things.  I learned from my 15 year 'til death do us part marriage that the only way that anything can work between two people is if both people are committed to the friendship/relationship/marraige, whatever you want to call it.  As a matter of fact, that's exactly the order that the relationship with Diane went.  We lived together as "friends" then she wanted to call it a "relationship" then, after I had asked her once a year to marry me and had finally given up on asking, she decided that she wanted it to be a marriage.  Hell, I didn't care by then.  We'd do whatever the fuck she wanted.  We were together and we were committed to staying together.  That's all that mattered to me, though I really didn't appreciate her cheating when I tried so hard and DID resist temptation throughout the 15 years of our marriage.  When someone starts acting like they're not going to hold up their end though, it makes me very, very nervous.

Now, this person to whom I'm referring lights me up like a Christmas tree and has never given me any reason to doubt her.  I never even felt that way about Diane, I'm sad to say.  This person calms me, helps me, inspires me, and makes me feel better about myself.  She brought me back from the edge of death... make that PRIED me back from the edge of death... wanting me to give her a chance.  I really believe that she is and will prove to be the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.  Her actions today, though, made me very nervous.  Hell, I was DONE with love, DONE with relationships, DONE with LIFE!  I was ready to die and just get it all over with.  When she finally made me take a look at who she was... a long, hard look, I couldn't help but fall in love with her.  I have never laughed so hard so often with anyone in my life, never have been so compatible and had so many things in common with anyone in my life, and never had met anyone with so many extremely similar experiences in life as I had.  I don't WANT this to go wrong.  Am I scared?  HELL YES I'M SCARED!  You know of my past catastrophies.  I really, really, REALLY need this to work.  If not, I may need to borrow a 12 gague shotgun shell from someone because I don't think I can take anymore.  Haha

Love, Hope, Peace, and Christ be with you,

Cal-el