Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

25 Reasons to Smoke

25 Reasons to Smoke


1)  It makes you look cool like James Bond
2)  If you smoke Camels, you'd walk a mile for one and walking is good for your health.
3)  If you smoke, you always have a lighter to light a woman's cigarette.
4)  Smoking is a statement of individual freedom.
5)   Smoking is great for thinking.
6)  Smoking relaxes a smoker.
7)  The most famous writers, actors, and psychologists smoked.
9) Indians used tobacco as a pain reliever for ear aches, toothaches and as a poultice.
10)  Tobacco is a great insect repellent for the kitchen garden.
11)  Tobacco poultice could also be placed in the mouth to alleviate pain from toothaches.
12)  Indians would mix tobacco and leaves from the Desert Sage plant, or the root of Indian Balsam (or cough root), Leptotaenia Multifida.  They believed this would also help with asthma and tuberculosis.  They typically smoked the leaves to clear out nasal passages.
13)  Toothpaste - In India, powdered tobacco is rubbed on the teeth for cleaning.  This method is still used in India and marketed in stores around the country.
14)  Rattlesnake and Insect Bites - Indians believed that the nicotine in the tobacco would help relieve pain as well as help draw out the poison and heal the snake wound.  After the poison had been sucked out, chewed leaves could be applied to cuts or bound on the bite with a bandage.  This method can also be used when stung by an insect.
15)  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, those that suffer from mental disorders such as ADHD/ADD, schizophrenia and other disorders may experience positive effects from smoking.  Apparently, doses of nicotine have a short term normalization effect on the EEG (electrical activity in the brain).
16)  Those that suffer from Alzheimer’s can also benefit from doses of nicotine.  According to studies, patients cognitive abilities slightly improved.
17)  You can't do a Bogart impersonation without a cigarette.
18)  Sherlock Holmes smoked tobacco in a pipe and he was a famous detective.
19)  Smoking can help keep you from strangling someone.
20)  Smoking can help you form a connection with your spouse.
21)  Smoking can give you an air of distinction.
22)  Smoking can help you piss off your parents.
23)  Smoking can help keep people from wanting to take your house or car.
24) Many presidents smoke Cuban cigars so if you smoke you could be president someday.
25)  Cigars can be used to stimulate your partner.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Obama Expands America's Borders


Obama Expands America's Borders
by Cal Jennings

As a counter move to Russia expanding its borders, President Obama made a bold move to counter their action. He issued orders to send troops into parts of Canada and Mexico to take advantage of the Keystone Pipeline and oil interests in Mexico. In a speech to world news journalists he stated,

If Russia can expand its borders to protect a pipeline that is of value to their country, so can we. There IS one drawback to moving the borders into Mexico though. We are going to have to move the border wall further South. Still, I believe that this move will show Russia who is boss without resorting to warfare with Russia.”

Many are skeptical that this move will be taken well by our neighboring countries but Obama said that their fears should be put to rest because the resulting deregulation will be of benefit to both countries.

Vladamir Putin stated,

America can't do that! Who do they think they are? The former U.S.S.R?”

It is unclear what effect this will have on the current strain between the U.S. And Russia. However, if it is successful in averting a nuclear conflict, it may avert WW III.

(This work is totally untrue and is a work of satire. None of this is to be taken literally.)