My Growing Ignorance

Well, it has finally happened. Between the dementia, the chemtrails, the nanobots they injected into me when they gave me the flu vaccine, and God knows WHAT they put into me when they did my heart surgeries, my mind has diminished to the level of a conservative Texas Republican. I now think liberals are stupid, Obama is a Manchurian Candidate probably born in Kenya, and can't wait until Jesus comes and burns all of those gays who are trying to get married. I want to see the borders closed to prevent Ebola and other foreign diseases from entering the country. I want to personally oversee Mayor Annise Parker being thrown into the pit of hell for demanding preachers' sermons. I now call CNN the Clinton News Network. I think every child in America should be issued a handgun at birth. I think that national service just gives more control to the evil government who wants to take our hard earned money and that it's an invitation to totalitarianism. I think all government handouts are socialist, especially the ones that help ME.

I can't trust my thoughts and memories because the government may be manipulating them through microwaves transmitted from HAARP. I dare not watch the news because the airwaves are filled with transmissions to make me think evil, vile thoughts. What kind of thoughts? Thoughts about vile things like sex, drugs, rock and roll, and communism. Even so, I can't be sure that the government isn't beaming thoughts directly into my brain via satellite. What if every memory of my past was placed there by the government to forward their evil agenda to bring about the New World Order? The only things I can trust are Texas, true Texans, cattle ranching, and farming. I might even start trusting big oil if things get any worse. Whoops! I think it just happened.

Thank God for the Koch brothers standing up against government regulation. Thank God for fracking which will bring us the oil we need to drive our big SUVs. I'm joining the Tea Party and we're going to take America back! We will get rid of abortion, make everyone attend a good Christian church at least once a week, bring back petticoats, bobby socks, school dances, and good ol' nookie in the back seat at drive-ins. We will get women out of the workforce and put them back in the houses cooking, cleaning, and watching the kids while we're at work. I just haven't figured out how a man is going to support his wife and kids on one job yet. I'm sure that Jesus will provide if I pray hard enough.

It's a good thing that I trust millionaires, billionaires, and trillionaires to make the proper decisions regarding my bank account. They deserve to run the government since they're smart enough to make all of that money. THEY'LL take our country away from those evil commie liberal socialist scumbags! Long live capitalism! God bless the Koch brothers!

25 Reasons to Smoke

25 Reasons to Smoke

1)  It makes you look cool like James Bond

2)  If you smoke Camels, you'd walk a mile for one and walking is good for your health.

3)  If you smoke, you always have a lighter to light a woman's cigarette.

4)  Smoking is a statement of individual freedom.

5)   Smoking is great for thinking.

6)  Smoking relaxes a smoker.

7)  The most famous writers, actors, and psychologists smoked.

8)  Cigarettes were once physician tested and approved.  http://www.healio.com/hematology-oncology/news/print/hemonc-today/%7B241d62a7-fe6e-4c5b-9fed-a33cc6e4bd7c%7D/cigarettes-were-once-physician-tested-approved

9) Indians used tobacco as a pain reliever for ear aches, toothaches and as a poultice.

10)  Tobacco is a great insect repellent for the kitchen garden.

11)  Tobacco poultice could also be placed in the mouth to alleviate pain from toothaches.

12)  Indians would mix tobacco and leaves from the Desert Sage plant, or the root of Indian Balsam (or cough root), Leptotaenia Multifida.  They believed this would also help with asthma and tuberculosis.  They typically smoked the leaves to clear out nasal passages.

13)  Toothpaste - In India, powdered tobacco is rubbed on the teeth for cleaning.  This method is still used in India and marketed in stores around the country.

14)  Rattlesnake and Insect Bites - Indians believed that the nicotine in the tobacco would help relieve pain as well as help draw out the poison and heal the snake wound.  After the poison had been sucked out, chewed leaves could be applied to cuts or bound on the bite with a bandage.  This method can also be used when stung by an insect.

15)  According to the Journal of the American Medical Association, those that suffer from mental disorders such as ADHD/ADD, schizophrenia and other disorders may experience positive effects from smoking.  Apparently, doses of nicotine have a short term normalization effect on the EEG (electrical activity in the brain).

16)  Those that suffer from Alzheimer’s can also benefit from doses of nicotine.  According to studies, patients cognitive abilities slightly improved.

17)  You can't do a Bogart impersonation without a cigarette.

18)  Sherlock Holmes smoked tobacco in a pipe and he was a famous detective.

19)  Smoking can help keep you from strangling someone.

20)  Smoking can help you form a connection with your spouse.

21)  Smoking can give you an air of distinction.

22)  Smoking can help you piss off your parents.

23)  Smoking can help keep people from wanting to take your house or car.

24) Many presidents smoke Cuban cigars so if you smoke you could be president someday.

25)  Cigars can be used to stimulate your partner.

Obama Expands America's Borders

Obama Expands America's Borders

by Cal Jennings

As a counter move to Russia expanding its borders, President Obama made a bold move to counter their action. He issued orders to send troops into parts of Canada and Mexico to take advantage of the Keystone Pipeline and oil interests in Mexico. In a speech to world news journalists he stated,

“If Russia can expand its borders to protect a pipeline that is of value to their country, so can we. There IS one drawback to moving the borders into Mexico though. We are going to have to move the border wall further South. Still, I believe that this move will show Russia who is boss without resorting to warfare with Russia.”

Many are skeptical that this move will be taken well by our neighboring countries but Obama said that their fears should be put to rest because the resulting deregulation will be of benefit to both countries.

Vladamir Putin stated,

“America can't do that! Who do they think they are? The former U.S.S.R?”

It is unclear what effect this will have on the current strain between the U.S. And Russia. However, if it is successful in averting a nuclear conflict, it may avert WW III.

(This work is totally untrue and is a work of satire. None of this is to be taken literally.)