I Figured It Out

Yesterday I posted something that I had written a couple days earlier then revised.  I left a long comment to Katy that was full of fear and anxiety.  I didn't realize what was going on until later last night when the anxiety came to a head. Yeah, I got angry about being dumped, but that was just a very temporary thing.  Yesterday I started freaking out over EVERYTHING.  I had the urge to jump out of the bed from the anxiety.  At that point I realized what was going on.  The feeling was unmistakable.  I have cabin fever.

I've only had cabin fever once before maybe five or six years back in December.  My son was driving me to my sister's house for Christmas dinner when I was suddenly gripped with a strong urge to jump out of the car.  I made it to my sister's house but sitting through the dinner and chit chat was nerve wrenching.  It continued even when I got back home.  Come to find out, it was cabin fever.  I had heard my grandmother talk about getting it when I was a teenager.  It was my mom who told me about when she had it and recognized the symptoms in me that I remembered my grandmother talking about it.

Now, in spite of what some people say, there's really not much you can do about it but ride it out.  Valium helps, but if you don't have your prescription, you aren't going to get any relief.  It's especially difficult for those of us with anxiety disorder.  The odd thing is that it hit me in the Summer.  It's generally a Winter affliction.  Maybe the darkness in my room because of the jasmine vines covering my bedroom window had something to do with it.  Still, I've been out of the house walking, going to the doctor's, and going to get groceries.  It's not like I haven't left the house at all.  I HAVE been confined to either a hospital bed or my bed a lot this year because of the heart surgery though.  Maybe that has something to do with it.

I feel sorry for poor Katy as I unloaded my emotions on to her comment.  I don't like doing that to people.  I really wasn't myself.  It was the cabin fever... either that or a bad trip flashback from something I took in the 70s.

I'm In Limbo

Yes, I'm in limbo.  You wouldn't think it possible, would you?  Still, here I am, floating in a void, nothing to see, nothing to do, nothing to look forward to, nothing interesting to talk about... I'm just in limbo.  In fact, I'm not sure how or why I'm typing this blog.

Unfortunately for me, there seem to be a lot of allergens in limbo.  I've been floating around sneezing with my nose running.  I'm glad I had a box of tissues with me when I was zapped into limbo.  At least sneezing and wiping my nose is something to do now that I think about it.  I guess limbo isn't a TOTAL bore.

The one woman in the world who I thought would never betray me... did. My guess is that she got in contact with some other person from high school whom she admired.  I'm so used to that happening by now that it barely phases me.  It pisses me off a little, but other than that, it's just the same old boring story of my love life.  Now I've decided to just wait for my death alone... which would only be a problem if it's going to be a long way off.  I've gotten used to being alone so it's not much of a problem for me anymore.


I'm in limbo. I'm in the middle of nowhere. No friends to call on me. No ability to go anywhere. No future to look forward to. No money to do anything. No way to get my bottom teeth pulled. I'll just float here letting my bottom teeth rot, poisoning my system and further damaging my heart until I leave limbo forever.


Everything is fine. I'm in limbo.